Tell Your Story | Lives in the Balance

If you're parenting, teaching, or working with a behaviorally challenging child, you have a story to tell. No matter how painful, difficult, or rewarding your journey has been, others who feel isolated and alone in their own journeys might feel better reading about it. Because it's no badge of honor to have a behaviorally challenging child in your household or classroom, life with such kids often takes place in the shadows, out of sight, outside of the awareness of most people. So we're not just looking for success stories...we're looking to capture what life is really like for challenging kids and the people trying hard to help them. Much as we'd like to, we can't post all of them, and we edit out all profanity or disparaging remarks about specific people or facilities.

But if you want to tell your story, CLICK HERE. And thanks for sharing.

We've Finally Stopped Living in Crisis Mode

We have been dealing with our difficult child for nearly 15 years. Diagnosis after diagnosis brought us no closer to helping our daughter and, while medication helped address some of the symptoms, the underlying problems were never recognized. I've spent many years in the pharmaceutical industry and have access to some of the best psychiatrists and therapists in the country. The advice was always to manage my daughter's symptoms through medication.

Her verbal and physical assaults started about 18 months ago. We've called the police three times and they have visited our house twice in the last four months. The last time, she narrowly avoided arrest and time in the county jail. She sat in handcuffs in our dining room and refused to talk with police officers who were only trying to help. My wife sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I felt my sanity slip away and the security of my family crumble before me. In all of this, my wife and I still wondered: What is causing this? Are we bad parents? Did we raise our kids the wrong way? Are we doomed to live with this situation until we are forced to estrange ourselves from our daughter? My promise to my daughter was that I would never give up on her. I knew it would be the hardest promise I'd ever have to keep because we were still looking at our daughter as the culprit...even though we know she can't control her behavior. She can be so mean and hateful, it makes helping her that much more of a challenge.

Recently, I needed to go on a short road trip and I wanted something to listen to so that my mind would not focus on the previous night. I bought the audiobook for The Explosive Child on iTunes and listened. I was skeptical but I was desperate. Within the first five minutes, I thought Dr. Greene was describing my daughter. ODD, IED, Bipolar, ADD...they all had been applied to our daughter. The Waffle Story was a page out of our daily lives. I cried driving 65mph down Highway 380 for 30 minutes, knowing that someone knew exactly how our nightmare has played out over the past years. Then came the typical parental responses and reactions. Some of them were, word for word, exactly what we've said in these situations.

Fast forward to last night. Emergency Plan B. Empathy, understanding, and a collaborative solution that not only defused the situation, it led to another discussion about other issues that added stress to her life and how we can solve those problems togther. I realize that this is a long process and, like teaching any other skill, time and dedication will improve the outcome. At least my wife and I -- as well as our son -- feel like we have set a course down a better path. This is a proactive approach to solving and defusing problems before they sabotage a family.

Fair vs. Equal

I am a Special Education Teacher in a middle school and, having read a number of the shared experiences on this website, I feel the need to submit my own. I've been teaching for nine years and will be leaving the public system at the end of this year.

What I see daily, in so many students, are kids who are described as having no respect for authority, lack of motivation, self-righteous behaviour, and no sense of responsibility for their actions. In my opinion -- and I think it falls in line with this site's philosophy -- it is "the system" that is preventing these kids from experiencing any kind of success. The North American Public School System (I teach in Canada) is FLAWED!! Just because it's the same system that has been in effect for hundreds of years does not mean it is working! Clearly, it isn't...especially for the students who exhibit challenging behavior. We work hard to teach students that "fair does not always mean equal," yet we force equal treatment on the students every day in public school.

I am choosing to leave because I cannot morally or ethically work for a system in which the strategies for our neediest and most challenging students are so obviously failing! We focus so much on the "function" of a student's challenging behavior but fail to notice the "dysfunction" of the things we do to them in our schools.

I'm going to try to change the system from the outside -- so that ALL of our students will be successful -- because no one is listening on the inside.

Plan B in Progress

I picked up the books "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School" after they were recommended by my child's elementary school. It was quite a change in parenting philosophy for me.

We have been working on the Empathy step for months. None of this time is wasted; all has been productive and has reduced friction at home.

I want to say how important I believe Dr. Greene's instructions about following the prescribed steps really are to our success. Empathy first. I have made the mistake several times of proceeding without all the information I needed about my child's concerns. We are still working on the Empathy step, but even the failures have provided greater communication skills for my child and increased control for her over her own life.

Behavior problem - Unsolved problem = Functioning child

My five year old was exploding at school. His teachers would call, very angry at his hitting, kicking or spitting. They did not know what to do. It turns out that his unsolved problem, which is now being directly addressed with pyschologists and a new school, was giftedness. Gifted children can become so stressed that they lose control of everything, even wetting themselves and becoming violently ill at home. I feel blessed that I found Collaborative Problem Solving, as it had my mind churning until I found our unsolved problem. Thank you. And to all of you: turn over every leaf. You will uncover the problems that are causing your child's challenging behavior. And maybe you'll find people willing to help you in your journey.

A Success Story

Hard to know where to start so I guess I'll tell you that we (my husband, myself, and my son) were part of Dr. Greene's studies about 12 years ago, and now our son is a college student and a mechanic in the U.S. Army Reserve. It has been a long journey, but without the guidance of Dr. Greene and his staff, who knows where our son would be. We were desperate, as many of you are. The calls from the teacher, principals, suspensions, explosive incidents at home and at school, in public places, police being called, police showing up at MY school (I'm a teacher)...since he was old enough to make a sound. He is a superior IQ person, cute as a button, too...I was not going to give up. He was ours, he was mine...I had to do this. I actually fell to my knees when I got the call that we were accepted into the study. CPS has evolved through the years, tweaked here and there, but it you stick with it and work hard, really hard, then it works.

We are so, so very proud of our son. He is a caring, loving, strong man. Does he still have his "oppositional" moments?...oh, yes, especially when he sees things in black and white. He will have to continue dealing with that, compensate, and learn how to live with it. I use CPS in my classroom constantly...sometimes successfully, sometimes not because parents have a hard time getting out of the "he's been "bad so he needs to be punished (Plan A) mentality. Don't give up, your child needs you.

Behavior school

My son is 5 and was put into a separate school for challenging kids. They have a zero tolerance policy. On the first day he was running and hiding, but was not being violent at all. By the fifth week he was starting to become violent at school. I was going to pull him from the school because I felt it wasn’t the right program for him, but was convinced by the professionals to have him stay. By the tenth week he was vomiting nightly at home. In school he was spitting, kicking, and biting teachers. One of his teachers told me that the reason my son doesn’t act that way at home is because I don’t have a rigid enough schedule. I finally pulled him from that school and have finally found this website and The Explosive Child and am working so hard with him. It is not easy, and I don’t know what next school year will bring, but it is so much better than it was with him being punished for things he cannot control.

A mind at a time!!

I am a parent of a loving, talented, 13-year old, special child. Although it seems at times I am making progress, I still have a long way to go. I try to educate everyone around me that my son has a delay, yet I had no idea how widespread the prejudice and ignorance was. Three schools later, I am actually considering a fourth. I am going to leave this current school, giving the principal a copy of your book and some quotes from this sight. My mother always said it takes one person to make a difference, so I am starting with a mind at a time!!!! Thank you for your wisdom Dr. Greene, God Bless.

"I have 18 other kids -- not just yours"

My little guy started kindergarten this year as a young five year old. After two months of constant calls from the principal, constant removals from the classroom and countless interceptions by other Qualified People in the school, we chose to move him to a Pre-K program, thinking the stress would be less and things would get better. For a couple of weeks, it was better but then my son starting having difficulty in circle time. The teacher told me that he is one of 18 students and that she doesn't have the time for his attention-seeking behaviors.

At that time, I had just finished reading The Explosive Child and KNEW for the first time what could work. I danced with joy. I cried. I was elated. I tried to get the school interested. So far, they're saying yes, but don't see a change in their behavior. His teacher still uses Plan A to deal with the difficulties my son is having in circle time and so my son is still lashing out, kicking classmates.

It's heartbreaking. I know that the teacher 'means well' but what she's doing is not working for my son. It is going to take endless conversations and maybe me sitting in the classroom to expose her to other workable options. So, while I have HOPE, I am also frustrated. Each day is a new day and the optimist in me hopes that we adults don't drain him of his sunshine completely, that he doesn't develop a supreme hatred of school and other people before we can get a working solution in place. It's so hard to watch the frustrated behaviors of a 5 year old and know this won't be resolved overnight.

A Story From England

I have a nine year old son. He is a loving, caring child who can show sympathy and worry about others. However, since kindergarten he has struggled his way through school. When it became obvious he wasn't settling in school and was fighting and getting into trouble in the classroom, the school asked for him to be assessed for ADHD, ADD, and Asperger's disorder. The child psychologist said that he didn't have any of these conditions, that he was wired slightly differently and needed some extra assistance and guidance.

My son was suspended in second grade for hurting a child whilst he was fighting over a pencil. He was suspended in third grade for ignoring an instruction from a teacher. At the end of the fourth grade he was asked to leave the school. When we explained to him that he wouldn't be returning to school, my son cried for hours. It was so sad...I know no matter how much he tries, my son can't help himself and doesn't seem equipped to settle at school. Every day I tell him it's a new day...that he deserves to be happy and enjoy life...to have what the other kids have...but it never really makes much difference.

We moved recently and he started a new school. We discussed how it was a nice school where he could have friends and a fresh start. Quickly he was lashing out at kids and generally being not very nice to them. He was suspended last week and returned today. I am at my wit's end...I'm losing hope for him...and I really don't know what to do. My son is desperately unhappy and has no friends, although in the past he has had very good friends at home and at school. I look at him and can't imagine what it must be like to have an unhappy childhood. It makes me so sad for him.

I'm very open and honest about my son's behaviour...I know he isn't a bad child. But I do worry and wonder where it will end. I go to collect my kid at school every day and parents ignore me and gossip about me and my family. Whilst I understand that they are disdainful because he has been hitting their kids, I know also they don't know my son...the kid who is affectionate and loving at home. He's my kid and I don't have the choice to give up on him no matter how frustrated and helpless I feel. So I am the mum who puts on a smiley face and asks him encouragingly every day how his day was. It's very hard for us as a family...but life seems so much harder for him.

Tomorrow is another Day...

I am a new Special Education teacher (career change), and my first job placement is in a school with both "self-contained" and "inclusion" classes.

I have been a teacher now for merely two months, and I am already totally exhausted and overwhelmed by my new responsibility as teacher. My students -- especially those who are acting out, but also those those who are ready to listen and learn -- aren't progressing in their learning. Meanwhile, it is my responsibility to teach them and I am accountable to show what they are learning! It feels like a lose-lose situation and I am very discouraged, as I don't see how this environment can work. I am still working on just getting students to remain in their seats.

I bought Lost at School, and I will start reading it ASAP. I know I am uniquely qualified to help students with special needs due to my experience in raising my own behaviorally challenging child, but having several of these students acting out simultaneously is harder!! There are not enough hours in the day, but each day I say my prayers, start all over and hope for a breakthrough.